An ENTP-INFJ Love Story: The Relationship Pairing in the MBTI Hall of Fame
Part of the Boo Love Stories series, an in-depth look at how personality type affects relationship dynamics.
Boo Love Stories is a series that highlights stories about how two personality types came to love and be together, with both the best of the relationship as well as the difficulties that arise from such a pairing. We hope others’ stories, perspectives, and experiences can help you to navigate your own relationships and journey in finding love. This article is brought to you by Boo, the personality-based dating app.
The ENTP-INFJ relationship is one of the most, if not the most celebrated MBTI relationship pairing of all time, at least on the Internet and in the memes.
It is the classic pairing of one partner who is outgoing, spontaneous, and logically assertive (The Challenger — ENTP) with a sensitive, considerate, and organized introvert (The Idealist — INFJ). As diametrically opposite as they may appear, it is their shared love for deeper meaning and conversation that keeps them together and brings the best of both worlds: similar but complementary.
What is an ENTP-INFJ relationship like? Are ENTP and INFJ compatible? Read on to find out.
Their Story
The Challenger (ENTP) X The Idealist (INFJ)
Derek: Hi Jo! Thanks for sharing your story with us today. Tell us about yourselves.
Jo (INFJ): I’m a US expat living in New Zealand. I did a working holiday visa and that’s when I moved from Los Angeles to New Zealand for a year. That’s where I met Steve (ENTP), my partner. We’re coming up on 5 years in March.
Derek: Nice! So how did you two meet?
Jo (INFJ): We actually met at a pub downtown, and when we met I was seeing somebody else, it had only been a few weeks. But I kind of typed this guy as a Sensor (The “S” letter in the MBTI system) and knew long term it wasn’t going to work out. It’s sad, but there was this depth connection that was really missing. So my boyfriend at the time was there with me, and Steve (ENTP) and his friend was there, and they were kind of chatting us up. I thought he was so funny. We were able to connect on definitely a few things during the night, because my boyfriend had left by then, and Steve (ENTP) and I were just chatting. Steve (ENTP) has such a great sense of humor, ENTPs are very dry and sarcastic, and I appreciate that and I love that. But I also think that because I had a boyfriend and he knew that, Steve (ENTP) was a lot more genuine because we weren’t hitting on each other. We were just having a deep conversation without having to think about being in a relationship with one another. It was really raw and we we were able to chat about things we wanted to without having the pressure of like, “Oh, do I like you?” You know?
Derek: Did you know what your prior boyfriend’s personality type was?
Jo (INFJ): Um, no I think, now looking back, he was an ISFP (The Artist), I would say. We just weren’t connecting the way I like to.
Derek: Right, INFJs (Idealists) especially crave deep and authentic connection to feel fulfilled. It seemed kind of weird that your boyfriend at the time would just leave you at the bar with other guys.
Jo (INFJ): Yeah, I think I come off, when I’m in a relationship, as someone who is very loyal, and I think he had somewhere to be. That’s when I said when Steve (ENTP) and I just met, it was very raw, it wasn’t a flirtatious first meeting, so my boyfriend at the time was able to pick up on that and so he was fine and left. I’ve never cheated in my life, it’s just not something that I’m interested in.
Derek: Right, I think that’s also pretty common for INFJs.
Jo (INFJ): I think it is, too, like logically there is no reason to when you can have a conversation about it.
The Dating Phase
Derek: So after you and Steve (ENTP) first met at the bar, how did you two eventually end up being together?
Jo (INFJ): That night we actually didn’t exchange numbers, because we weren’t in that flirtatious mode. But I realized the next morning I really needed to break it off with the guy I was seeing before because I had gone out and met somebody I had a totally different connection with. So, I did, I broke it off that next morning. My girlfriend who was there that night and Steve’s best friend exchanged numbers because they were chatting it up too, so I ended up getting Steve’s number through my friend, through his friend. I messaged him a few days later after I cut things off with the other guy, and Steve (ENTP) was totally confused, and kind of like, shocked. Like he didn’t understand that I was kind of interested in him. He thought it was just a friend thing since we had such a platonic first night, and he knew I had somebody. We couldn’t meet up a few times, then we were able to meet up, and I told him that I broke up. He said he just never thought a girl like me would go after him or anything. So I think, as an INFJ, I tend to prefer when I’m not chased, I kind of don’t like it when they’re all up in my business or have a huge ego. And so I think the way this whole thing happened, it was very organic and to my taste because I was able to chase him a little bit. And chasing an ENTP is really hard because they’re usually all up in your business.
Derek: Right. That’s really funny. Most people would think an INFJ would prefer to be chased by an extravert just because it’s more comfortable to an introvert.
Jo (INFJ): Right, I think I’ve been chased a lot when I was younger, and I didn’t have a taste for it anymore. I wanted a bit of a challenge, that kind of thing. Not everyone is like that.
Derek: What was Steve (ENTP) like during the dating phase?
Jo (INFJ): For the first, probably 6 months, he was on like, REALLY good behavior. And I tested him with the Myers Briggs, and he actually tested ENFP. But after 3 or 4 months, and him getting off his good behavior, I was like, I don’t think you’re an ENFP. I’m going to do this again. And that’s when it was like, ENTP. And I thought this makes way more sense. You know, after the honeymoon phase, he was more of himself a little bit. And… they (ENTPs) are a handful.
Derek: So it was you who asked him on the first date?
Jo (INFJ): Yeah, totally. And I think the second too. I asked if we wanted to get drinks, at I think, the same place we had already met. That was comfortable for me, because I’m an Introvert, so I was like oooh, let’s go back there… because we’ve done it before. And yeah, we had a really good night. I’m not sure how much this could help other INFJ-ENTPs because I think how we got together is a little different from how this pairing would usually play out.
The Best of the Relationship
Derek: What do you appreciate the most about Steve (ENTP)? And what do you think he appreciates the most about you?
Jo (INFJ): I think that he definitely takes care of me, and I appreciate so many things about him. He’s interesting, he tries to grow as a person, he cares about me and takes care of me. Sometimes I get in an unhealthy mental state, because that’s just who I am, and he supports me in it. He’s understanding (most of the time). We have a really good connection. I appreciate a lot of the things he does. With me, I think I really really care about him and want him to be happy and healthy, so I make sure he is happy and cared for. I’m pretty sure that’s pretty INFJ. We have respect for each other and trust each other.
Derek: What do you love the most about how your two personalities come together?
Jo (INFJ): I notice that we’re able to connect on patterns, interesting subjects, and get into deep conversations about just about everything. So it’s really cool to connect on that kind of level. There’s a lot of chemistry. We’re both adaptable in social situations and both can read the room, but prefer different social settings. Even though we prefer different areas of a party, it still works out really well.
Derek: So you go along with Steve (ENTP) to parties? Most of the time?
Jo (INFJ): Yeah! Oh my God, we’re like a powerhouse couple at parties because I’m really great with smaller, intimate conversations and he’s like the class clown. So yeah, people love our dynamic, and we both really enjoy going to parties for our different social settings, so we have a lot of fun. I do like that.
Derek: So you’re an INFJ that likes to party.
Jo (INFJ): Yeah, oh definitely. But I like going to parties where I know people and like to have more intimate conversations instead of being in a loud group, know what I mean? I like to connect more.
Derek: Right. Is there ever a time when he wants to go out, but you just want to stay in?
Jo (INFJ): Yeah, definitely. That happens often. He also travels for work, so I get to be alone at the house a lot, so that’s great because I get a lot of alone time. But yeah, he’ll definitely want to go out with friends and I know some people have issues with that, especially with an ENTP, because they can be, you know, so there has to be trust there. He’s way more extraverted in the sense of partying and drinking than I am.
Jo (INFJ): We also did one year of long-distance. I was in Boston and he was in New Zealand. Long-distance was actually great because we were able to talk once a day and connect on things, but we weren’t up in each other’s business all the time, so we had lots of space and freedom. Unfortunately, he partied really really hard that year I was gone, and he had to deal with some addiction issues when I got back the following year. So that was a whole other thing we had to deal with in our relationship. He was like, she’s gone now, time to party.
The Challenges
Derek: What do you find the most challenging about your relationship pairing?
Jo (INFJ): I think that Steve (ENTP) is argumentative, like a lot of ENTPs, and sometimes you just have to walk away because he just won’t let go. And they just love it too, they get pumped on it. He’s a handful; they’re not all like that. As an INFJ, I prefer harmony in a relationship, so in a lot of my relationships, I haven’t ruffled any feathers. And I prepare things so far ahead that we never have any hiccups in the relationship, and it gets quite dull and boring, and we don’t grow together, so that’s why a bunch of mines have failed. Steve (ENTP) is like, he makes me so angry that I actually give emotions, and things will happen and he flies by the seat of his pants and shocks me about something. That’s not something I’m used to, so I’m actually able to express more with him than with someone I have a dull style relationship with. It’s been really great for me because it’s allowed me to grow as a person.
Jo (INFJ): He’s also more into instant gratification, so he’s actually pretty shit with money, and I’m really good with money. I see more into the future than he does, and I’m like, hey you’re going to need money in two weeks. If I give him 20 dollars, and I’m like don’t spend it all, he’s going to spend it all. He has no idea how to deal with money. It’s really good that I can take the rein in this area and be like, no, you can’t spend all your money on action figures or stupid shit.
Derek: He buys action figures?
Jo (INFJ): No, he doesn’t. I’m kidding you. Mostly like booze, or camping gear.
Derek: Is there anything you’d want to change about Steve (ENTP)? And what do you think Steve (ENTP) would like to change about you?
Jo (INFJ): I sometimes wish he wouldn’t be so impulsive. I’m always in the future, so it shakes me up every time he’s really impulsive, but at the same time I feel like it’s kind of good for me to have someone impulsive, but it’s just hard for me to work around that sometimes. And being more aware of how I’m feeling as well as expressing how he feels more often. I’d just like for him to sit and try to figure out how he feels or being more in tune with how I feel about things. They’re not feelers, so good luck with that, but that would be nice.
Derek: I think anyone can grow and make the concerted efforts to meet their partner halfway, so long as they share mutual respect and a commitment to try.
Jo (INFJ): Yeah, definitely. And I want him to be healthier himself too. He’s really unhealthy, and he can change that, but he doesn’t. And that annoys me.
Derek: What do you think he’d like to change about you?
Jo (INFJ): Probably I would assume similar things but in reverse. He hates when I’m like, hey I need a plan from you. He’d be like, can you just not ask me what I want for dinner? He wants me to be more laidback because I’m wound a bit tight, maybe. And not asking him how he feels all the time haha.
How They Make it Work
Derek: What advice would you have for other INFJs and ENTPs in a relationship together, or perhaps, looking to enter into a relationship with one another?
Jo (INFJ): I do have some tips for another INFJ dating an ENTP. I would say, the first one, is to have a really healthy and individual sense of self, your own hobbies, and your own friends. And be able to get out of that loop yourself, that depressive mental loop we get ourselves into. So it’s just making sure you’re in a space where you can get out of it yourself without having to depend on them because they won’t get out of it for you. And I think that’s for any relationship too. Make time for yourself, and be in a healthy emotional state. This is a hard pairing; ENTPs are a lot of work, so you need to have your own sense of self.
Derek: What do you mean by a lot of work?
Jo (INFJ): I think that ENTPs aren’t as expressive with their emotions, and with Steve (ENTP) specifically, so a lot of times they’re quite locked down, so you’re not going to always get them to tell you how they feel about something. They can have addiction issues, become really prone to covering things up in their life with substance or bad behavior. It’s hard to maneuver through that, from what I’ve noticed, specifically with Steve (ENTP) and a prior ENTP partner.
Derek: Right, ENTPs are very curious, and their curiosity pushes them to enjoy breaking the rules and push boundaries, even just to see what would happen.
Jo (INFJ): Yes. Definitely. They’ll push your buttons, all that stuff. He’s very sarcastic, which I love, he has a very dry sense of humor, which I love, but he’ll also push my buttons and do it in a rude way. He’ll take a dig, and then cover it up in sarcasm. When I call him out on it, he’ll be like, Oh I was just kidding. But it’s actually being able to be like, “No you weren’t. You have to stop that.” And being able to say to him that’s not okay.
Jo (INFJ): My next tip is that if you have the same bad habits or addictions, I feel like ENTPs will out-bad habit you, and It’s a lot for an INFJ, so try to be aware of that, and have specific boundaries. They like to have a lot of fun and party very hard, so be prepared for that too.
Derek: Do you have any other advice to couples with the same personality types as to how to make the relationship work?
Jo (INFJ): We have opposite functions, so things he’s strong at, I’m weak at. So that’s always a challenge, but interesting. Though we do have good chemistry, connect well, and have good senses of humor. He chills me out if I get overly emotional. If I ask him how he feels, he’ll have no idea. He’ll never be like, “This is how I feel”. I’ve never heard that out of his mouth haha.
How They’ve Grown
Derek: How have both of you grown since being together?
Jo (INFJ): I think he’s gotten more sensitive and in-tune with how to act around people. He’s grown up since being in a relationship together. As an ENTP, he’s really silly, and has kind of matured, and having conversations about how to act, and has grown up a bit. He wants to buy a house, is better with money now. He notices when you save money, you can buy a house! And all these fancy things when you don’t blow your money all the time. He is better at the things he wasn’t very good at before.
Jo (INFJ): And for me, if I get overly emotional, which happens all the time, he’ll help me tone it down a bit, and say you’re worried for no reason, stop worrying about that. Also, with an ENTP, because they’re so sarcastic, you have to make sure you’re not overly sensitive because you can be. So you’ll start to get more immune, and you can’t be sensitive over every little thing.
Closing Remarks and Advice from Boo
There are sometimes misconceptions around what it means to be compatible from a personality perspective. It doesn’t mean that there won’t be any problems in the relationship. It is often, in fact, quite challenging. But it means that understanding, appreciating, and respecting each other will usually be easier than with others, especially in the beginning. They’ll see your best qualities as exactly what they’ve been missing the entire time. And they will see your flaws as less of a big deal than some others would.
Jo’s (INFJ) and Steve’s (ENTP) story shows us that the chemistry and compatibility the two share can be as wonderful and effortless as the memes illustrate. But their story also shows us that all relationship pairings, despite how celebrated, requires compromise, personal growth, and commitment to maintain.
“Understanding, appreciation and respect make a lifelong marriage possible and good. Similarity of personality type is not important, except as it leads to these three. Without them, people fall in love and out of love again; with them, a man and a woman will become increasingly valuable to each other and know that they are contributing to each other’s lives. They consciously value each other more and know that they are valued in return. Each walks taller in the world than would be thinkable alone.” — Isabelle Myers
We wish Jo and Steve a wonderful and lasting relationship together.
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